men's talk!

so technology (actually it's called whatsapp) allows for all the men, boys, guys, males to be in a single chat... here's a glimpse at their conversation (by the way, all names are withheld to protect the annoying and downright ugly):
6.18pm: ZOLEKWNSNSKDICKDS
6.20pm: Must be alien's language
6.21pm: Unless you speak sh*t like him, you won't understand
6.24pm: Shut up la / You and your face are 70kg
6.28pm: Can you be a bit more creative? / Come on man put in more effort into this
6.28pm: if I use myself as a benchmark all of you are fat #justsaying
6.29pm: Hahaha / (name) DOTA 29?  [writer's note: i know right!!! random much!]
[writer's note: and the battle begins...] 6.35pm: You are so fat even Dora can't explore you
6.36pm: That's funny but no / You're so fat it take(s) 365 days to walk around you
6.38pm: You're so fat that when you sit on your iPhone it turns into iPad
6.40pm: that's not original
6.40pm: Your face is not original
6.42pm: yes yes. you are 100% authentic since no two pieces of sh*t looks the same
6.42pm: You're so fat thy dedicated a whole season of "Biggest Loser" just for you. And the contestants are the parts of your body
6.43pm: lol gd one (name) 10 points to gryfifindor!
6.44pm: You're both so fat my phone is now at freaking 3% battery and i'm not home yet so can you just shut the hell up? 
6.45pm: this one... you're so fat that dubai taps on you for her economic growth.
6.46pm: You are so fat that you have more chins than china's phonebook
6.46pm: Here is an extension: You're so fat the US invades you for oil
6.48pm: You're so fat the Rebel Alliance mistook you for the Death Star
6.49pm: You are so fat an African family can survive eating you their entire lives [disclaimer: team onestroke does not promote or condemn cannibalism.]
6.50pm: U r so fat that u r distrusting [think the texter meant disrupting] the train service
6.50pm: Not just one... could probably solve the world's problem on hunger
6.50pm: You are so fat that you were the cause of orchard flood last year
6.53pm: You're so fat when you fart it causes Global Warming / You're so fat when you fart you can cause a nuclear explosion
6.53pm: You're so fat you cause sea level rise just by peeing
6.54pm: You are so fat that when you go to heaven (you) drop to hell
6.56pm: you're so fat that they call your mouth the Bermuda Triangle.
6.57pm: You're so fat your anus is the new Black Hole
6.58pm: you're so fat that it took captain jack sparrow four lifetimes to sail around your waistline.
6.59pm: People used to be able to fall in love, but you are so fat you fell in love and broke it
7.00pm: Nice one (name) 10points to Hufflepuff because you're as fat as the mascot
7.01pm: Hufflepuff's mascot is a badger
7.01pm: you're so fat that when you went for a heart bypass, they built the london tube.
7.01pm: Fattest amongst all [reference to the mascot]
in case you read the whole post and wondered how the mascot looks like, here it is...